Friday, June 2, 2017


Many Mussar Sefurim – Books on Ethics, teach that we must make Cheshbon Hanefesh – account of the soul, all days of our lives and return to ideal of whom we supposed to be.
In our times this word ‘return’ is common translation of the Hebrew word ‘Teshuva’ – coming back to the fold of Klal Yisruel – Jewish people.
The title ‘Return’ is my private return, but not in above described meaning.
Rather simply I return to the idea of writing my essays on this blog which originally was intended to accompany project of publishing my book ‘Another Convert’
That project is entirely aborted and yet I hear from some of readers reading my blog that I must return to writing. Some of those voices are coming from rather surprising sources.
Years ago, I began to write and publish and post because I thought that my unique life, experiences and knowledge on certain topic are worthed to share.
My suspicions were proven right to me when people were expressing apricciation for the measage I was delivering, and as I wrote once – even if one person will benefit from one line written by me it is worth to spend all time and resources invested in this project. Perhaps this is my Tafkid – life mission. To help that one person with that one line.
But as it could be easily noticed from the dates of the posting of my essays, nothing was posted for some two years and written even more.
My book is not in the book stores and only few copies are available on Amazon and those are used or leftovers from the book stores.
My website has only some remnants of the project and my blog is cold.
There is still interview on YouTube as I rather neglected to take it out and partially feeling guilty to all those wonderful people involved in the project of my book and this interview.
Rest of the remaining copies are being utilized in the manner which no books should but as I explained to someone seeing what is being done with them – I lived life described in there, I wrote it, I self-published it, I even schlepp alone few skids of heavy boxes from place to place loading it and unloading on U-haul tracks.
Now I use them as I see it right.
To many things described in this book are not true anymore.
To many to keep it alive.
Somebody described my recent years as – private Waterloo.
But I was not about conquering, not the world and not part of it.
From the beginning of this project, the idea was to share responsibly what was given to me.
So Waterloo is not good example and if I would like to use something from popular history or culture I would rather use the lyrics from one of my favored bands Procol Harum:

When everything around me, even the kitchen ceiling, has collapsed and crumbled without warning. And I am left, standing alive and well, looking up and wondering why and wherefore.

I don’t know what person who wrote those lyrics intended but it is hard to describe my situation metaphorically better than by above quote.
I will leave interpretation to my reader as I don’t want to go deeper to my personal matters.
It should be understood, that I went through nothing else than personal Hurban, where if not the Koisel would be left there wouldn’t be any hope and reason to continue.
B-H I still standing alive and well.
There are still things which I can and perhaps I should share.
There are thoughts and ideas which I promised to continue in my previous essays.
There are new experiences, situation and people from which I took lessons and now I feel obligation to distribute it further.
I must admit, that many of my essays were written when everything around me was crumbling and still B-H I was able to bring something positive from within, regardless of agonizing personal pain.
In this area I stayed well Burich Hashem, maybe even stronger.
It was surroundings which collapsed and most painfully, “my kitchen ceiling” - the essential protection of the chamber which I thought is stronger than any nuclear shelter.
It was not.

So I’m back.
Back to work.
Trying to restore at least material surrounding and financial situation.
It’s not easy, I have to admit, but I still see His Hand and Blessing in almost every turn.
Yes. I’m not man of the perfect Emuna
No! We are not talking about Faith! I don’t need that.
What Emuna is?
I hope to share with you some of the thoughts on this topic in the future once it crystalize in my own mind.
Before that I may get a little bit political, for once I promised to continue my 4th of July essays and few others.
But B-H I’m back and once more will express myself with lyrics from Procol Harum:

At a time like this, which exists maybe only for me, but is nonetheless real, if I can communicate, and in the telling and the bearing of my soul anything is gained, even though the words which I use are pretentious and make you (or rather me) cringe with embarrassment.